The Food and Wine Hedonist

leave your inhibitions at the door

The Coffee Industry is Messing with Me

I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I’m a major coffee fiend.  I love everything about it – the zen-like routine of making it, the aromas, the patterns made when swirling in cream, the flavor.  And like my tastes in music, television, and other bloggers, I’m pretty indiscriminate – I’ll take it in just about any form.  McD’s?  Sure.  Donut shop?  Why not? Cheap-o vending machine coffee? They still make those? Overpriced, takes ten minutes pour-over deal handcrafted by a hipster? Preferred.  Double-shot soy caramel macchiato at Starbucks?  Hell yeah, but give me the real stuff and not that fool soy milk.*

This is especially true in the morning, when I need the one thing I love most about coffee – the caffeine.  Between The Walking Dead marathons, writing my awesome blog posts, or looking for pictures of hot actresses for said blog posts, I’m often up wayyy late at night.  And as a function of age and years of fatherhood, I can’t sleep in.  I can be up til 4am, but I still end up waking up at 6am.    So I need a copious amounts of java in the morning to even function.  And I’m sure I’m not alone – especially with the late night “Lohan research.”

So what does the coffee industry do?  They get their giggles in by making the coffee making process impossibly confusing when we consumers are at our weakest.

It’s a common fact that eight ounces equal one cup, right?  So when I reach for my bag of coffee, it says one tablespoon for …

coffee grounds

Six ounces.  Huh?  What do I do with the remaining two ounces?  OK, I can deal with this.  Let’s get the water in the coffee maker carafe, where 1 cup equals …

coffee carafe

What? OK, let’s see…  A tablespoon makes six ounces of coffee so I need 14 scoops to equal what the carafe… wait, that’s not right… Multiply by pi to get… no…8 ounces divided by 6 times the letter R… I can do this, I’m ASIAN.

Ok, let’s see figure out how many cups ounces I need to fill my mug.  But which one?  My beloved Chicago one?

fsdfi

It takes 10 ounces to fill it.  And no, that’s not Buffalo Trace Bourbon in the background. I swear.

coffee

Or should I go with my big ol’ Starbucks city mug? Or my Dwight Schrute mug?

Dwight takes 24 ounces, Starbucks takes 22 ounces.

Dwight takes 24 ounces, Starbucks takes 22 ounces.

porn

See what I mean?  How the heck is someone with minimal amount of brain function due to sleep deprivation supposed to figure how much coffe to put in the damn filter!?!?  Especially if those late night “Lohan research” sessions were fueled by some cheap Tequila?

Yeah, as if I could mention her without posting a picture... (from Maxim)

Yeah, as if I could mention her without posting a picture… (from Maxim)

hot

Damn coffee industry.  How do y’all survive?

 nudity

*  Apparently, there’s some debate as to whether they can actually use the word “milk” for the soy-based stuff.  Check this out…

sex

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About thefoodandwinehedonist

I don't know everything about the world of food and wine, but I'm not going to let a small detail like that stop me from blogging about it.

21 comments on “The Coffee Industry is Messing with Me

  1. the drunken cyclist
    December 10, 2012

    I feel your pain even though I have had exactly one cup of coffee in my life (with Wes Hagen while visiting Clos Pepe–how could I say no?). My wife is a complete, um, you know until she gets her coffee in the morning, so her pain becomes mine. Speaking of which–she needs a new coffee maker–any suggestions?

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      December 10, 2012

      Funny you should ask. My coffee maker just broke after 2 years of use. It’s a stainless steel Krups 12 or 14 cup. Pros – looks nice, short enough to fit under my cupboards, high wattage brews the coffee really well. Cons – pouring water in it can be awkward. And now it’s broken. There’s a mechanical button you press to open the lid where you put water and grounds. That thing broke, but it could be because of tons of use. We average 1-2 pots every day. If you’re not making as many, it’s a good one.

      Having worked at Williams-Sonoma, I’d shy away from KitchenAid and the ones with a built-in grinder. And I guess if she’s the only one drinking it, maybe one of those Keurig one-at-a-time things would be good.

      If she’s into espresso, I LOVE my Nespresso system.

  2. WhiteElephantInTheRoom
    December 10, 2012

    While I don’t drink coffee, I feel a similar frustration when attempting to share a bottle of wine. If an appropriate serving is 5 oz, and each bottle holds 750 ml, then you should be able to pop 5-ish glasses from a bottle. So who gets the last glass? Do you split it and have a lame 2.5 ouncer? Do you just stop after the first two? This often results in a second bottle of wine being opened – I suppose there are worse problems.

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      December 10, 2012

      5 ounces? (scoffing sound) .. liberate yourself from the notion of an appropriate-sized pour. Just keep pouring generously and open another bottle. If it’s a crappy wine, pour generously for others. If’s good, pour generously in yours. Sure it’s bogarting, but it all averages out later.

      • the winegetter
        December 12, 2012

        Or open a magnum, that should solve the problem and is way more fun.

  3. fissionerror
    December 10, 2012

    I think you secretly nailed it–6oz coffee, fill the rest of any sized mug with bourbon.

  4. Kayla Hoffman
    December 10, 2012

    LLOL (Literally laughing out loud) Lohan is looking pretty good!

  5. the winegetter
    December 11, 2012

    That’s why I use my stove top espresso can every morning. Needs exactly the same amount of water every day, and fits into any cup (3 espressos) that I top up with milk – caffe latte, check. :)

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      December 12, 2012

      In my 3 yrs working at Williams-Sonoma, I didn’t sell one of those stove top ones. I’ve always wanted to try one out. I’ll be by at 7am for a double, with half and half. I’ll bring the Bourbon

      • the winegetter
        December 12, 2012

        Sweet, swing on over. They’re all the rage in Europe, I actually shipped mine. Have had it for over 10 years. Not even an expensive model, it’s the IKEA one for $10 or so in Germany. I also have a 12 shot maker, so that is good for when I have guests. Bourbon sounds good. Especially at 7am.

  6. Yinzerella
    December 11, 2012

    DId you finally watch Liz and Dick?

  7. susielindau
    December 11, 2012

    I swear that if I really followed the directions, I would be drinking coffee syrup.

  8. Pingback: Wine Math | White Elephant in the Room

  9. Troy
    November 1, 2013

    would you sell your dwight schrute mug? :)

  10. Pingback: I’m Doing a Cleanse! | The Food and Wine Hedonist

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This entry was posted on December 10, 2012 by in Drinking, Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , .
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