leave your inhibitions at the door
Merry New Year!
How many of you made new year’s resolutions?
I have a few in mind – being more compassionate, volunteer work, connecting more with others, disconnecting with people who cause more drama than I need. And for the first time ever, I’m making a resolution to lose some weight.
I was in pretty good shape this year until I hit Thanksgiving. If you read my post on it, that week was spent eating and boozing up a storm in Dominican Republic. When I got back, I proceeded to get super sick for a week or so and that put my workouts back even further. I’m not exactly Elvis now, but my weight’s not where I want to be. So, I’m resolving to lose about 10-15 pounds.
And like most of you who resolve to lose weight, I’m going to be done with this resolution in about 2-3 weeks. The difference is – I will have succeeded.
Starting today, I’m doing the the Master Cleanse. It’s a 10-day cleanse where you consume nothing but a special lemonade. It’s supposed to clean out your body of toxins but, let’s face it, the only reason why people do it is to lose weight. Beyonce did it before filming Dreamgirls and lost 20 pounds in two weeks. Jared Leto did it to lose 60 pounds for a role. I’m not sure it was worth it for him, though. Because, c’mon, how many people have actually seen any movie with Jared Leto in it?
I did this cleanse a few years ago and the results were astonishing. In the ten days (plus 3 day transition back to normal food) I lost more than 25 pounds. A lot of that was water weight and, as expected, I gained back 10 pounds after about two more weeks. But the net effect was 15 pounds in less than a month.
How it works
You make lemonade using fresh-squeezed lemons, grade B maple syrup and a pinch of cayenne pepper.
The syrup is not as sweet as regular pancake syrup, and is meant to provide calories. Each glass has about 100 calories and I plan on having 8-12 glasses a day which translates to 900-1300 calories – not exactly starvation, but definitely enough to lose weight. So it’s not like a completely reckless plan of eating 100 calories of celery every day.
Every night, you drink a cup of herbal laxative tea.
God I love the name of this stuff. It’s like a super sexy pimp.
The tea is necessary as there’s no fiber in the lemonade. Since the cleanse is meant to flush out your system, the tea helps to “clean out the pipes.”
They also recommend that you do a salt-water flush first thing in the morning. That’s where you literally CHUG a quart of water with two tablespoons of sea salt mixed in. Apparently, this makes you immediately go to the bathroom to drop a liquid deuce. I didn’t do this part of it because it was downright nasty tasting and I had no problems in the deuce department.
And that’s it. Just drink 8-12 glasses of this a day and stay close to a toilet. Drinking water and mint tea is ok, but you can’t have coffee, booze, smokes, and soda.
After completion, there’s a three day period where you build up to being able to eat real food again. You start with drinking orange juice, then add vegetable broth. I’m not really sure what the issues are with going straight back to a normal diet, but I’m not going to test it out.
What ‘s Going to Happen
I know, this all sounds pretty brutal and the first day or two are pretty rough. It’s not exactly the best tasting concoction and, obviously, going from a diet of pork and beer to straight-up lemonade is a little bit of a shock.
But the worst part of this is the no caffeine rule. If you recall, I’m a complete caffeine fiend. Going cold turkey on coffee is going to be complete hell. The good news is that I work from home and won’t actually have to operate a car. But it’s not just drowsiness that’s the problem. Immediate caffeine withdrawal gives you a splitting headache and popping a few painkillers is a no-no. Thankfully, that only lasts a short time and it’s gone by day 3.
The last time I did this, I lost the craving for coffee as soon as the headache went away. I wasn’t dragging around, either. Because I was constantly consuming calories throughout the day, my metabolism increased and I found myself with a lot of energy.
And the biggest surprise? I never felt hungry. Not once. Again, I think it was because of the constant consumption of calories. I can’t say whether I felt any “cleaner” because I rid myself of a whole bunch of toxins. I definitely felt lighter.
Follow My Journey
If I’m making it sound really easy, it isn’t. If it tasted like lobster or French onion soup it’d be a no-brainer. But it doesn’t. And while I’m doing this, I will still need to cook for the family and sit down to dinner with them. To make it easier on me, I’ll probably start making stuff that I wouldn’t want to eat. You know, anything with boneless skinless chicken breasts. So it may be just as hard on them.
I guess this is the point where I say, “don’t try this at home.” I’m a blogger forcryingoutloud. I can’t be responsible if you pass out, run over the neighbor’s dog because you didn’t have coffee, or if you get sick or hurt in any way. Some people do this for longer than 10 days – some for up to 40 days in a row. After a couple of weeks without protein, you start losing muscle. Which includes that one slightly important muscle known as your heart. Again, I’m not responsible for that.
I have a bunch of posts that I’ve been meaning to publish and I have a rule against posting more than 3 times a week. (And you thought it was laziness.) So that means that I won’t be posting here about my progress. But I will post updates on my Facebook page and on Twitter. Feel free to ask any questions there or below.
My doing this isn’t to encourage you to do the same. Heck, it may turn out to be a lesson in what NOT to do. And there’s no guarantee I’ll even finish it. Whatever, it’ll still be an interesting few days.
For more information on it, check out this site. Again, this isn’t an endorsement of the diet, I’m just reporting on it.