leave your inhibitions at the door
I’m losing hope about getting those reviews from England and Canada, so I took the initiative to increase international representation on the Burrito Guide by myself. Ok, I was Mexico anyway but I did make sure to leave the comforts of our all-inclusive resort with its free food and actually PAID FOR three burritos. We stayed at a resort in the town of Puerto Morelos, which is about 15 minutes south of the Cancun airport. It’s a really small town and only a handful of nearby resorts, so it hasn’t been overly commercialized yet. I got to the town twice and scoured all the local restaurants, but only found “burrito” on two of the menus. So maybe the concept of the burrito is strictly an American thing? One of the two was at a place called “The Pirate”, which described itself as Mexican and Indian food. The other was called Dona Triny, a small family-0wned restaurante. After my debacle with Indians cooking Italian food, the choice here was clear. I found the other two burritos at the airport and at an outdoor restaurant where the Pieholes and I got to swim with dolphins.
So how did the Actual Mexican burritos compare to the American Mexican burritos? Not so well. In fact, one of them has taken the title of “Worst Burrito in the World.” Again, maybe it’s that burritos aren’t exactly true Mexican food. That their existence on any menu there is due to all the Gringos del Norte visiting their homeland and complaining that it’s not on the menu. (For the record, I didn’t complain.) And since The Hedonist Burrito Index is based on burritos here and may be biased towards American ones, it may not fair to judge them on the same scale. But, then again, who said I was fair?
Restaurant Description: This was a tourist complex where people could swim with and learn about dolphins and manatees and there were also a bunch of seals putting on a show.
This outdoor restaurant was right in the middle of all three animal areas so the entertainment was stellar. Of course, there was also the entertainment from seeing all the guys in their European swim briefs. Not on me, though, because Boom Boom made me leave the thong at the hotel.
Price: 118 Pesos = $9.07, but that included a beer
Ambience = 4. Open-air, beautiful surroundings.
Taste = 3. The meat was tasty and firm.
Heft = 2. This wasn’t one big burrito, but 2-3 smaller ones. It still wasn’t that big, though.
Messiness = 1. Sloppy wrapping, not juicy.
Intangibles – 5: You can’t beat the entertainment.
Total Score = 15
Restaurant Description: Small, family-owned with seating for about 15, both inside and out. Friendly place with a full menu.
Price: 65 Pesos = $5
Ambience = 4.
Taste = 3. Meat was nicely grilled, refried beans flavorful
Heft = 2. Long, but a little on the skinny side (the burrito, you perv). Not densely packed.
Messiness = 2. Loosely wrapped.
Intangibles = 4. I’m guessing this was pretty authentic. It was a little touristy, but I’m not going to drive 2 hours inland to get a burrito. At least not this time.
Total Score = 15
Guacamole Mexican Grill
I didn’t think I’d get worse than Ann Arbor’s Pacific Beach Burrito or the Burrito Joint, but I did – and in Mexico of all places. This took the bad aspects of both to make it the worst burrito all-time.
Price: 140 Pesos = $10.77
Ambience = 1 It’s the Cancun Airport. It only gets a point because they sold beer.
Taste = 0. Meat was grey, spongy and flavorless. But at least there was hardly any in there. Beans were out of a can (just like Burrito Joint).
Heft = 0. It was shorter than the length of my plastic fork, skinny, and most of that heft was achieved by wrapping the tortilla a few times.
Messiness = 1. Tightly wrapped and not drippy. I guess that’s easy with no fillings.
Intangibles = 0. Delivered in a plastic container, no hot sauce.
Total Score = 2