The Food and Wine Hedonist

leave your inhibitions at the door

Epic Spam or Some Guys who are Really into 80s Hair Bands?

I’m a big fan of Girl on the Contrary’s blog and every once in a while, she’ll do a really funny post on the spam that her blog gets. Here’s a great one.

I read her spam posts with major envy at how funny they were and pretty much decided I’d rip off the idea. The problem was that none of the spam comments I got were that interesting. These were the best of the bunch:

Hi, you have a great website. If you want to Get Unlimited Supply Of High PR Backlinks And Laser Targeted Traffic From Major Bookmarking Sites… All Done In Minutes On Autopilot!


Whether you are getting. Now you have 499 donations and one product to resell. The Hottest Picks from Ralph Lauren’s Black Label Designer Clothing Collection. Finding luxury designer brands is easy in South Beach and the purse should have the designer purses.

See? Nothing that great. I didn’t think I’d ever get anything worth sharing with you. Until recently.

Earlier this year I wrote a post about the 80’s hair band Skid Row. Next to Winger, these guys were the top guilty pleasure in a genre that epitomized guilty pleasures. About three months later I got this comment on the post from someone named “Joan”:

Did you know Skid Row Lead singer Sebastian Bach did infact have a delightful first wife called Nymphaea Kymille,Bach married her the same hour they met in 1986,he intended to have the record company pay for a wedding party after a few months,yet his bride made Sebastian withold the information of their marriage from the public,fearing female fans would not buy as many records for Skid Row sales.The hidden bride also allowed her heavy metal vocal screams on Skid Rows second debut Slave to the Grind.Atlantic records boss Armhet Ertegan was fond of Kymille and took several photographs of her,also he gave her a Moet et Chandon 1986 vintage champagne within a vintage Alphonse Mucha tin to commemorate Sebastian and Nymphaea kymille,as this was the exact year they married.

OK, so there’s a Sebastian Bach expert out there who puts Wikipedia to shame. It’s feasible.

About a month after that, I got this one from “Nic”:

Yes sireee,that Bach dudes some muthafucker,lot of musicians close to Bach verify unless told to conceal.I heared Bach and Nymphaea kymille were like seperated and she was there not only when he was knifed hence his stomach wounds but also when he tried to commit suicide over her,and then she actually stiched up the wrists herself for him.Whoa!surely those two have gotta be Texas chain saw afficionardos.Now Bach likes eating baked salmon in resteraunts just cos her murdered mom,Bachs former mom in law used to coôk this with mange tout,even when they say they lost their fortune,though now we heared it was hidden.We know Bach and Pizza,Burger King,and Pepsi was him.We also heared Bach and Kymilles favourite shows were Rossanne Barr ,Dallas,Dynasty.Now what do you think,its agréed that Bach and Nymphaea Kymille were from the Stix,straight outta Rob Zombie films.ACE HIGH on marujana.

I read that thinking Nic was the one that was “ACE HIGH on marujana”… Not to be outdone, someone named “ACE” posted this response a day later:

That aint all Bach and Nymphaea kymille,yes she was cute sort of ballerina hôoker style,anyway they were fucking straight out of Texas Chain Saw,once this secret legal wife was there when Bach got stabbed about ten times hence his stomach scar,all this was hidden from the fans,then even more bizzare Bach slits his wrists over an argument with her leaving or not loving him enough or something and before the paramedics are called she sews up both wrists and he places a cloth which Bach calls his birdcage cloth over his head.The two of them both like The Rossanne Barr show,Dallas,Dynasty and before Bach copied Nymphaeas murdered moms baked salmon dished,Bach was well known for his daily diet of burger kings or mcdonalds.Bach said they were known as the odd couple as he fought about 6 fights over her and she would often just vanish,mostly as Sandra alais Maria had started to take over her New Jersey lincroft home.

This was starting to get weird. Or should that be “continuing to be” weird? I was thinking that maybe Nic’s comment was making fun of Ace and his smoking habits and Ace was responding to it.
But then I got two more posts from “Sergio” and “Rodin” that BOTH said:

The RIKKI LAKE SHOW /Legalise Pot had Sebastian Bach on the show.Sandra alias Maria appeared but little known fact was Bachs real wife Nymphaea kymille had spent the entire day with Bach and his manager Doc Mcgée.Bach wanted Kymille to go on the show,finally after méting Rikki Lake she agréed and signed the contracts for the show.
Bach sent Kymille out for stiletto boots,and insisted she have her hair dyed from auburn,this is when the two start arguing in full view of the shows hair and makeup team.Bach then hit her after she mentioned to the hairdresser she liked a certain musician who was Bachs friend.Finally phone calls to the other Maria and she did the show instead no doubt also collecting the salary for the signed show contract. Kymille walked out after Bach was violent and the show had a replacment known as Maria.

After seeing that I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that Anne Hathaway is absolutely beautiful.

Oh, wait. Wrong post.

What I meant to say is that I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that these are spam. But ohhhh, do I wish they were real.

What do you think? Are they real? Or are these the work of all four Sebastian Bach megafans? If you’re a blogger, did you get any good ones lately? If you’re Nic or Ace, care to explain yourselves?

About thefoodandwinehedonist

I don't know everything about the world of food and wine, but I'm not going to let a small detail like that stop me from blogging about it.

4 comments on “Epic Spam or Some Guys who are Really into 80s Hair Bands?

  1. The Byronic Man
    August 22, 2012

    Sometimes I can’t even tell – the spam I mean. Those are pretty “articulate” (if that’s the word I want) for spam, though.

    I’m pretty clear on the Anne Hathaway issue, though.

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      August 22, 2012

      Was tweeting with GOTC and we both love the use of “FACT. DOCUMENTED.” that’s gotta be proof they’re not spam, right?

      And with Hathaway… FACT. DOCUMENTED.

  2. Pingback: Guilty Pleasures – Skid Row « The Food and Wine Hedonist

  3. Pingback: Two-Hit Wonders: KT Tunstall | The Food and Wine Hedonist

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This entry was posted on August 20, 2012 by in Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , .
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