The Food and Wine Hedonist

leave your inhibitions at the door

The Republican Party Can Thank Me Later

I was busy at work yesterday and I heard the home phone ringing. As I was expecting a call, I jumped from my desk and ran into the next room to get to the handset. On the way there – WHAM! – I stubbed my toe on a corner. I’m not sure if it’s alliteration or consonance, but the various phrases prominently featuring the F-Bomb coming out of my mouth was pure poetery. Anyway, I grab the phone without looking at Caller ID and hear that dreaded silence. You know, the one that precedes this…

“Hello, this is Mike Huckabee. I’m calling you because…”

Yup, it was one of those automated calls. And since this is an election year, it was one asking for a political donation. This one really did feature Mike Huckabee and he was seeking donations to the help re-elect Senator Todd Akin (R-Mo). For those of you who don’t follow American politics (a.k.a. who I’m really jealous of these days), Huckabee was a former Arkansas governor who ran a couple times for the Republican nomination for President. He’s also a Southern Baptist minister and TV host. I’m personally not a fan of the guy and disagree strongly with some of his views, but he never really bothered me.

Senator Akin, on the other hand… He’s the guy who a couple months ago said that women who were “legitimately raped” rarely get pregnant.

There’s no such thing as legitimate rape, but that comb-over is 100% REAL. (newyorker.com)

Whether taken literally or in a wider context, he messed up.

Anyway, recorded Huck said he was asking for some donations as Akin is in the fight of his life to retain his Senate seat. He acknowledges that Akin had a “poor choice of words” or something like that, but was still a good guy who was worthy of a few Ben Franklins thrown his way. Here’s what I heard from the message:

He’s being attacked by liberal media, those filthy Democrats, and Washington Republicans…blah blah blah… Senate majority… blah blah blah… Press “1” to speak to a live operator to take your donation. Press some other number to opt out of future calls…

I decided to have fun with this and pressed 1. (I have an audio clip of the conversation, but have no idea how to post it.)

Before I go on, let’s get one thing straight. My political views are none of your business and I’m not about to preach about one side or another. (Unless you really worship me. In that case, please send cash and/or nude pictures.) And I’ll rarely give a hoot about your political views, unless you’re one of those hippies I snicker at while you’re passing out political stuff at the Farmers Market. The point is, I didn’t do this to spite or denigrate the GOP. I did this because

1 – I was expecting another call.

2 – I’ve received the same call twice before and tried to opt out.

3 – I had to break from a work project. OK, we won’t count this one.

4 – I stubbed my damn toe.

Here’s how the conversation went:

Operator: Hello, Mr. Hedonist? Thank you for deciding to contribute. Senator Akin blah blah blah…How much would like to donate?

Me, in an awful redneck accent: I’d like to give $800 thousand. I got the money in a Nigerian bank and I’m supposed to be treasurer. And I’d like to give all that money over to Todd Akin.

Operator: $800K? OK, blah blah blah.

Me: Let’s make it $800 Million. That fella over in that Nigerian bank sent me an email and said that money’s all mine…I want to give that money right over to Todd Akin.

Operator: That’s great. Is there a credit card number you want to use?

Me: Well, I gotta get that money from that Nigerian fella, but I’ll call back when I get it.

Operator: Blah blah blah… Republican control of Senate… blah blah blah…undo all the policies of President Obama…

Me: Well, let me tell you this. I’ll do anything I can to get that Barack HOO-SAYN Obama out of office…

Operator: Yes, thank you… blah blah blah…

To her credit, she was good. It’s a stretch to try to find a donor in these economic times for a Senate race THREE STATES AWAY. But it’s a complete shot in the dark to call a number in Ann Arbor, probably one of the Top 5 Commie, Pinko, Leftist, Liberal cities in the country. AND she completely glossed over the fact that she’s talking to someone in Michigan with a swarthy ethnic last name talking in a ridiculous redneck accent.

She had me on the phone for three minutes as she kept on talking about how the money was for God’s work and stuff like that. She must’ve asked 3-4 times for a credit card and I kept on saying I needed to wait for the Nigerian money. Finally, she asked if there was a smaller donation I’d like to give, and I politely declined. Where we she left it is that she was going to send me a pledge letter along with an envelope so I can mail it in later.

Got any fun ideas for when I get the envelope?

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About thefoodandwinehedonist

I don't know everything about the world of food and wine, but I'm not going to let a small detail like that stop me from blogging about it.

12 comments on “The Republican Party Can Thank Me Later

  1. The Byronic Man
    October 24, 2012

    A Senator Akin defense fund… would not have seen that coming… can you imagine the same politicians putting 1/5 of the effort forth for victims of rape? Legitimate rape, of course.

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      October 24, 2012

      It was just in the news today that a Tea Party candidate in Indiana said that if a woman gets pregnant during a rape it’s God’s will. Sure hope there isn’t a wave of guys out there setting forth to put God’s will into action.

  2. Mary
    October 24, 2012

    Eduardo poop. You said he has plenty to spare.

  3. Socialkenny
    October 24, 2012

    Lol hilarious!! The Nigerian line was perfect for toying around, but it’s so funny how the operator was so like buying it about the Nigerian guy lol.

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      October 24, 2012

      I think she was just happy tat SOMEONE responded. Like how ugly people in clubs take what they can get.

  4. musingsoftheamusingmuse
    October 24, 2012

    A condom…. lambskin. It doesn’t count as contraception if it’s not 100% effective. Right?

  5. ali wambere
    October 24, 2012

    Tell them that it was God’s intention for you to cancel the whole transaction.

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      October 24, 2012

      I prefer they start spending it like there’s no tomorrow first. THEN tell ’em God took it away.

  6. talkavino
    October 24, 2012

    This is hilarious (and sorry about your toe). I think you should do exactly as you said – print a letter from Nigerian fella and put it in that envelope – if they can collect, the money will be all theirs…

  7. Pingback: Scamming the Scammers | The Food and Wine Hedonist

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This entry was posted on October 24, 2012 by in Ann Arbor, Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , .
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