leave your inhibitions at the door
I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I’m a major coffee fiend. I love everything about it – the zen-like routine of making it, the aromas, the patterns made when swirling in cream, the flavor. And like my tastes in music, television, and other bloggers, I’m pretty indiscriminate – I’ll take it in just about any form. McD’s? Sure. Donut shop? Why not? Cheap-o vending machine coffee? They still make those? Overpriced, takes ten minutes pour-over deal handcrafted by a hipster? Preferred. Double-shot soy caramel macchiato at Starbucks? Hell yeah, but give me the real stuff and not that fool soy milk.*
This is especially true in the morning, when I need the one thing I love most about coffee – the caffeine. Between The Walking Dead marathons, writing my awesome blog posts, or looking for pictures of hot actresses for said blog posts, I’m often up wayyy late at night. And as a function of age and years of fatherhood, I can’t sleep in. I can be up til 4am, but I still end up waking up at 6am. So I need a copious amounts of java in the morning to even function. And I’m sure I’m not alone – especially with the late night “Lohan research.”
So what does the coffee industry do? They get their giggles in by making the coffee making process impossibly confusing when we consumers are at our weakest.
It’s a common fact that eight ounces equal one cup, right? So when I reach for my bag of coffee, it says one tablespoon for …
Six ounces. Huh? What do I do with the remaining two ounces? OK, I can deal with this. Let’s get the water in the coffee maker carafe, where 1 cup equals …
What? OK, let’s see… A tablespoon makes six ounces of coffee so I need 14 scoops to equal what the carafe… wait, that’s not right… Multiply by pi to get… no…8 ounces divided by 6 times the letter R… I can do this, I’m ASIAN.
Ok, let’s see figure out how many cups ounces I need to fill my mug. But which one? My beloved Chicago one?
Or should I go with my big ol’ Starbucks city mug? Or my Dwight Schrute mug?
See what I mean? How the heck is someone with minimal amount of brain function due to sleep deprivation supposed to figure how much coffe to put in the damn filter!?!? Especially if those late night “Lohan research” sessions were fueled by some cheap Tequila?
Damn coffee industry. How do y’all survive?
* Apparently, there’s some debate as to whether they can actually use the word “milk” for the soy-based stuff. Check this out…