I Have a Major Confession to Make
I’ve been living a lie. In my defense, it’s not something that I realized myself until very recently. But I know, deep in my heart, that I need to confess to you that I’m not all that I’ve said I am.
My name is John, and…. I’m a Hipster.
Since the early days of this blog, the one group that I’ve most made fun of and talked about dismissively have been Hipsters. No, make that second most – hippies are #1. I’ve made fun of Hipster bars, their music, their clothes. Yet, I didn’t realize that I was truly one of them. I guess the fact that I even have a blog at all – let alone one full of sarcasm and snarkiness – makes it pretty likely that I’m a Hipster.
The signs were there, but I was sooooo oblivious to them.
A few Saturdays ago, we were having brunch with my lovely niece and I had mentioned a link that La Vida Laura posted. It’s a very funny Tumblr site – Pictures of Hipsters Taking Pictures of Food. I pulled it up on my iPhone and we proceeded to flip through all the pictures, giggling at each one.
Then my niece hits me with this:
Why are you laughing? You are totally a hipster.
music
Huh?!? No flippin’ way! First off, I’m way too old to be one. I’m pretty sure your hipster card gets pulled at 25 and I’m slightly past that. And by “slightly” I mean “when that ship sailed, it actually had sails.” Second, I’m at a stage in my life where I have a somewhat successful career and a very comfortable lifestyle. Hipsters are supposed to be barely making it in Brooklyn like all the people on HBO’s Girls.
Then she took this picture:
Don’t bother. It’s already been submitted to http://pohtpof.tumblr.com
hipster food
Let’s count the Hipster offenses:
– We were at The Espresso Bar, probably the most hipster of the hipster coffee houses here in A2.
– I was taking a picture of my waffles with fried chicken. (They were awesome, btw.)
– Dark grey hoodie made by Alternative. (ouch)
– Purchased at Ragstock (double ouch)
– Hair messed up from hipster Carhartt cap. Here’s a pic of the hat.
hipster fashion
– Skinny jeans (not shown)
– Hipster glasses
– Hipster phone case
technology
Wow. I was reduced to a mumbling mess. It was like someone walloped me over the head with a giant wooden mallet. I made it a point to fight it. HARD. But failed at every turn. First, one of the fins from my cute little cartoony half penguin, half dog phone cover broke –
phone
So I decided I was going to get something more “normal” –
epic fail
Not only did I replace it with something just as Hipster-ish, I bought one of those damn retro-phone headsets for it.
Then I decided to give my little collection of Labbit vinyl toys to my kids…
vinyl toys
…and went and got a Tupac vinyl toy.
Tupac
I did it just to prove that I could be a bad-ass, but forgot that VINYL TOYS IN GENERAL ARE FOR HIPSTERS. And I bought it at Urban Outfitters – the anti-Gap. Oofah.
So after weeks of soul-searching and honest self-evaluation, I’ve finally come to terms with my Hipsterism. I’m NOT going to be afraid to unnecessarily carry small items in a messenger bag. I’m going to BUY that Tegan & Sara album. I’m going to get a haircut like that dude from Fun.
Facebook.com
hipster music
From now on, I’m going to wear my Hipster badge with pride – permanently affixed to my lightweight long-sleeved shirt I just got at American Apparel. I’m a Hipster, damnit!
Whew, that felt good.
Are you an in-the-closet hipster, too? Or are you out and proud!?!
pride
equality
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30 comments on “I Have a Major Confession to Make”
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I was at Toast in B’ham recently; a 4-top of young hipsterish girls got their food; without discussion all 4 got out their phones and snapped their entries; it was like an episode of Portlandia. Embrace your inner Hipster (and prepare for endless ridicule). HA
Have you been reading the recent dust-up over restaurants wanting to ban photos of their food? This isn’t the best piece I’ve found, but it’ll give you a taste.
http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2013/01/28/some-restaurants-ban-food-photography-by-customers/
I heard about that. No way will they be able to stop it. I don’t use flash anymore simply because the pictures don’t look as good. I’m all for people taking pictures of food because it’s pressuring restaurants to actually give a shit about presentation.
The smart restaurant owners will find a way to make it easier for photographers.
OK, there may be one argument for me not being a hipster – I haven’t seen Portlandia yet…
I’m proud to have played a role in your hipster self-realization 🙂
I think it more like white explorers vising some remote island and ruining the way they’ve been living their lives for centuries…. you owe me a Pabst Blue Ribbon for that.
Given my penchant for chuck taylors, thrift stores, fingerless gloves, and Natty Boh (Baltimore’s PBR), I maaaay be. But I’m also carrying a Dooney & Bourke bag. Does that negate everything else?
Oh, I don’t take pictures of food in restaurants because I still have a cell phone with the keyboard that slides out. I am old school like that.
Haha – you’re totally hipster! I’m actually surprised your phone doesn’t have a rotary dial on it with how retro you are.
I’m not sure if I’m a hipster – though I’m confident that I’m very much “Me”. Me likes to be comfortable – this means Me is usually wearing a hoodie, and sometimes a stocking cap. Me, Myself and I all love footwear, and while Mr. Muse thinks that the three of us have WAY too many shoes/boots already – we keep finding footwear that we like, like Converse 1 Stars in different colors.
Okay – I was getting confused with all of that. To quote Eric Cartman from South Park, “Whatevah! I do what I want!” If that means I’m whipping out my camera photo to take pictures of my food (I sometimes do that), so be it and everyone else can… okay, quote Cartman again, “Suck my balls!”
Hmmmm, I don’t know if Hipsters watch South Park…
Everybody around us always knows these things long before we can accept them about ourselves.
I was expecting something more crazy that hipster. Well, fair enough. I’m still in the closet though lol!
This post is amazing.
Thanks for coming out of the closet. I still had not really realized you were one. But the argument you make is compelling…:)
I am wearing thick framed glasses that have absolutely no prescription strength. No prescription anything. They are plastic. I am totally a hipster. I think we all are in some small way.
I do have to warn you though, that you are an extreme case. Everyone knows that the hipster level of being a hipster hating hipster is over 9000. Good thing you came out and decided to embrace it :).
Extreme case? Sh!tshow (my niece) listed a whole bunch of other things that pointed to my hipsterdom. Good thing I didn’t include those here…
It’s totally ok, I had a similar realization like this recently. I think if you are a hipster aware of being a hipster, it takes the bad right out of it. Then you are just having fun with trends right?
Good question. The trend part is right on… but I wonder about how hipsters can’t live an irony-free day. If you’re consciously being ironic about absolutely everything, then that’s just annoying. Oh what the hell – I’ll just roll with it!
HAHAHAHAHAH! Hilarious Post. I spend most of my free time trying to spot hipsters. I’m writing a post on this weird specie very soon as well.
Cheers
Can’t wait to read it… I liked your rant on meat
Thanks ! Keep reading buddy.
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I think that being French excludes me from the hipster membership program… darn ! 🙂
I think being European in general gets you in!
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This post is too funny. But am glad for your realization. Need to check if I am a hipster. Maybe yes, maybe no. 😀
HA! I swear I was going to link to a picture of my cassette iPhone phone cover as soon as I saw yours, and then I kept reading and you beat me to it! AND you mentioned Urban Outfitters. There’s no hope for either of us.
At least we’ll eat well. *ironic first bump*
P.S. – My reader blows. I’m resubscribing via email.
That was actually my 2nd cassette cover. The first was before the cartoon penguin-dog 2 yrs ago. How’s that for being cool b4 everyone else? And in that sad sad day when he broke, I went back to the cassette to be ironic. #hipstercred.
And my reader sucks too…
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Would you consider selling me the Tupac figurine?