leave your inhibitions at the door
I think I’ve mentioned before that I’m pretty musically-inclined. In addition to being able to carry some wicked karaoke, I can play a few instruments. When I was a kid, my parents made me take piano lessons and then I played saxophone in the school band. But it wasn’t until after college that I took up guitar. And why did I take up guitar? Heck, why does any guy take up guitar?
Two words – WOMEN!
Ask most guitarists why they started playing. I’m sure you’ll get some line about artistry and self-expression. Don’t believe it. Playing guitar has got to be the biggest chick magnet ever. It’s even better than being a professional athlete as guitarists don’t have to be in shape. And it’s infinitely more sexy than blogging about food and wine.
I used be a bouncer at a bar in Chicago that had live music every night. From my position at the door, I would see all kinds of women, often standing shoulder-to-shoulder, gazing up at the guy playing that night. By the end of the night, if so inclined, he could’ve picked up on any of them.
Sure, willingness to play guitar and sing on stage like that probably means that they’re not shy. So they probably have no problem holding a conversation with people. And I’ll admit that some of these guys were pretty handsome. But – trust me – there were some guys who fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Unfortunately (or is that fortunately?) I don’t have any pictures of those guys to prove how ugly they were. So I figured I’d give you some very famous examples.
Exhibit A – Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley
She was a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. He was a little hairy troll that had some major hits in the 70s and 80s. He was well past his prime and definitely out of his league.
Exhibit B – Tico Torres and Eva Herzigova
The Bon Jovi drummer isn’t really that ugly, but – c’mon – look at that height difference!
Still don’t believe me? Maybe it’s because those first two weren’t guitarists. As I said earlier, guitar playing is the biggest aphrodisiac. Here’s the proof.
Exhibit C – Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova
ugly musicians with beautiful women
Ocasek was the leader of the 80s New Wave band The Cars. But a little-known fact is that he was also the inspiration for Ichabod Crane.
Exhibit D – Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed
I know what some of you are thinking – “Wait, all those women are models. How about someone with some brains?” First off, why you hating on gorgeous models? Second, I present to you…
Exhibit E – Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts
Here’s one of my favorite Lyle Lovett songs to prove that it isn’t just because he takes bad pictures.
But it’s not just men that benefit from being a musician. Janis Joplin was voted – no joke – “Ugliest Man on Campus” at the University of Texas. Yet, when she died of a heroin overdose in 1970, she was suffering from a nasty case of syphilis.
So forget about joining a gym to get those washboard abs. Don’t bother with spending money on fancy clothes and cars. Just grab a cheap-o guitar and you’re all set!
Any of you guys out there benefit from this? How about you ladies – any of you willing to admit to falling for a guy in a band?