I’m Doing a Cleanse!
Merry New Year!
How many of you made new year’s resolutions?
I have a few in mind – being more compassionate, volunteer work, connecting more with others, disconnecting with people who cause more drama than I need. And for the first time ever, I’m making a resolution to lose some weight.
I was in pretty good shape this year until I hit Thanksgiving. If you read my post on it, that week was spent eating and boozing up a storm in Dominican Republic. When I got back, I proceeded to get super sick for a week or so and that put my workouts back even further. I’m not exactly Elvis now, but my weight’s not where I want to be. So, I’m resolving to lose about 10-15 pounds.
And like most of you who resolve to lose weight, I’m going to be done with this resolution in about 2-3 weeks. The difference is – I will have succeeded.
Say what?
Starting today, I’m doing the the Master Cleanse. It’s a 10-day cleanse where you consume nothing but a special lemonade. It’s supposed to clean out your body of toxins but, let’s face it, the only reason why people do it is to lose weight. Beyonce did it before filming Dreamgirls and lost 20 pounds in two weeks. Jared Leto did it to lose 60 pounds for a role. I’m not sure it was worth it for him, though. Because, c’mon, how many people have actually seen any movie with Jared Leto in it?
I did this cleanse a few years ago and the results were astonishing. In the ten days (plus 3 day transition back to normal food) I lost more than 25 pounds. A lot of that was water weight and, as expected, I gained back 10 pounds after about two more weeks. But the net effect was 15 pounds in less than a month.
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How it works
You make lemonade using fresh-squeezed lemons, grade B maple syrup and a pinch of cayenne pepper.
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The syrup is not as sweet as regular pancake syrup, and is meant to provide calories. Each glass has about 100 calories and I plan on having 8-12 glasses a day which translates to 900-1300 calories – not exactly starvation, but definitely enough to lose weight. So it’s not like a completely reckless plan of eating 100 calories of celery every day.
Every night, you drink a cup of herbal laxative tea.
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God I love the name of this stuff. It’s like a super sexy pimp.
The tea is necessary as there’s no fiber in the lemonade. Since the cleanse is meant to flush out your system, the tea helps to “clean out the pipes.”
They also recommend that you do a salt-water flush first thing in the morning. That’s where you literally CHUG a quart of water with two tablespoons of sea salt mixed in. Apparently, this makes you immediately go to the bathroom to drop a liquid deuce. I didn’t do this part of it because it was downright nasty tasting and I had no problems in the deuce department.
And that’s it. Just drink 8-12 glasses of this a day and stay close to a toilet. Drinking water and mint tea is ok, but you can’t have coffee, booze, smokes, and soda.
After completion, there’s a three day period where you build up to being able to eat real food again. You start with drinking orange juice, then add vegetable broth. I’m not really sure what the issues are with going straight back to a normal diet, but I’m not going to test it out.
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What ‘s Going to Happen
I know, this all sounds pretty brutal and the first day or two are pretty rough. It’s not exactly the best tasting concoction and, obviously, going from a diet of pork and beer to straight-up lemonade is a little bit of a shock.
But the worst part of this is the no caffeine rule. If you recall, I’m a complete caffeine fiend. Going cold turkey on coffee is going to be complete hell. The good news is that I work from home and won’t actually have to operate a car. But it’s not just drowsiness that’s the problem. Immediate caffeine withdrawal gives you a splitting headache and popping a few painkillers is a no-no. Thankfully, that only lasts a short time and it’s gone by day 3.
The last time I did this, I lost the craving for coffee as soon as the headache went away. I wasn’t dragging around, either. Because I was constantly consuming calories throughout the day, my metabolism increased and I found myself with a lot of energy.
And the biggest surprise? I never felt hungry. Not once. Again, I think it was because of the constant consumption of calories. I can’t say whether I felt any “cleaner” because I rid myself of a whole bunch of toxins. I definitely felt lighter.
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Follow My Journey
If I’m making it sound really easy, it isn’t. If it tasted like lobster or French onion soup it’d be a no-brainer. But it doesn’t. And while I’m doing this, I will still need to cook for the family and sit down to dinner with them. To make it easier on me, I’ll probably start making stuff that I wouldn’t want to eat. You know, anything with boneless skinless chicken breasts. So it may be just as hard on them.
I guess this is the point where I say, “don’t try this at home.” I’m a blogger forcryingoutloud. I can’t be responsible if you pass out, run over the neighbor’s dog because you didn’t have coffee, or if you get sick or hurt in any way. Some people do this for longer than 10 days – some for up to 40 days in a row. After a couple of weeks without protein, you start losing muscle. Which includes that one slightly important muscle known as your heart. Again, I’m not responsible for that.
I have a bunch of posts that I’ve been meaning to publish and I have a rule against posting more than 3 times a week. (And you thought it was laziness.) So that means that I won’t be posting here about my progress. But I will post updates on my Facebook page and on Twitter. Feel free to ask any questions there or below.
My doing this isn’t to encourage you to do the same. Heck, it may turn out to be a lesson in what NOT to do. And there’s no guarantee I’ll even finish it. Whatever, it’ll still be an interesting few days.
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For more information on it, check out this site. Again, this isn’t an endorsement of the diet, I’m just reporting on it.
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45 comments on “I’m Doing a Cleanse!”
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wine century
Doppel Member, Baby!
How RHOBH of you!
http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/65639/the-saddest-thing-that-happened-on-the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-last-night-cleanse-masters
Good luck. I don’t think I could do it!!!
Your ability to remember stuff like this sometimes scares me.
You are a brave soul! Good luck!
Thx!!
Sounds brutal but the results will surely be worth it!
Best of luck, even if it is batshit crazy. Why the max 3 posts a week rule?
Thanks, but u already knew I was batshit crazy… Rule is bc I don’t want to over-post and have people become numb and lose interest. Besides, not sure the public can handle the awesomeness of more than 3x
Okay – totally impressed yet a little scared for you (and your family!)
I have always toyed with the idea of a cleanse but never seen it as a real possibility with 3 small children to entertain / feed / taxi drive everywhere / raise….how are my excuses so far?
Good for you!!!!! Good Luck!!!! You can do it!!!!!!!!!!
ps v funny Elvis reference!
It really wasn’t that bad. Last time I did it wife was at conference for a week and I was on 3 small kid duty. So it’s doable.
That said, I think the value of the cleanse part is suspect and after seeing ur blog, I’m not sure you need to drop any weight.
ah sweet talker, me thinks the lack of sugar, alcohol & calories may be affecting your vision…
🙂
yikes! best of luck with this and if you don’t have time to post, no worries, we’ll know that you’re spending most of your time in another room in the house. )
But we do have wifi in that room
This sounds a lot like you are preparing for a colonoscopy by choice, but instead of it being over in a day you are repeating the process for 10 days. Good luck.
Didn’t realize that was part of the colonoscopy process. So I’ll be ready for that part. Now it’s preparing for the actual insertion part that I need to figure out.
They give you powerful drugs so you don’t remember any of it. When you wake up, you get to get rid of all the air they blew in there so they could get a good view. Being the nurse who monitors the post-colonoscopy hallway has to be one of the worst jobs.
All I can say is… good luck!!
Thx!
When I saw the post title in my email inbox, I thought for sure you were kidding! But I guess not. Have fun and I’ll be checking your FB for updates!
Wow! Good luck! The first 3 days are always rough (not that I’ve done this particular cleanse), but since you’ve had success before, it’ll be good motivation to stick with it. Fingers crossed for you!
Thx!!
Good luck with the detox! My mum has done this too with good results.
My resolution, however, is to not make resolutions anymore! I have happily drunk wine everyday this year so far and long may it continue! 😉
That’s a good resolution. Every year I always give up Catholicism for Lent.
Thx for the encouragement!
Haha, I gave up Catholicism for life at 18! Happily agnostic for 7 years!
I must say that you always have interesting topics. I think that I would celebrate the completion with some Seared Foie Gras and some vintage Champagne.
Darn good idea!
I never knew you had such a beef (har har) with boneless, skinless chicken breasts!
Wait. That’s not the topic here. I’m fascinated by cleanses, and I’ve no doubt you’ll finish this one; I hope it’s as safe/successful as it was the last time. I absolutely, positively, could never, ever do it.
And yeah, I think working from home is MANDATORY for this.
Last time I was in an office and it was great to step out of meetings for “urgent developments” and to “put out a fire.” Thx for encouragement.
Wow- I’m impressed you made it through once and can do it again- I think I made 3 days and it took me 2 years before I could stand the smell of maple syrup and I still to this day (5 years or so) cannot stand the smell or taste of Meyer lemons- my attempt at a gourmet cleanse-haha.
Oof! I love those aromas… I swear I’m going to come up with a butter fast.
I couldn’t do this. I like eating too much. I’m back to smoothies for breakfast and lighter meals at dinnertime because the holiday eating (and boozing) frenzy was just too much! And hey, I dig Jared Leto. Helloooo My So Called Life.
Good luck to you on your cleanse. May the force be with you.
Thanks!! I also love eating and that’s the hardest part – dealing with the monotony.
The nurse in me has a hard time with diets/cleanses like this. I worry about the nutrients you aren’t getting or losing by flushing, but I can see it being helpful as a meal substitute and a help with cutting caffeine and sodas. I’m tempted to try it because I’ve picked up weight over the holidays (me and every person alive).
I think if you keep it less than 10 days it’s safer. Maybe 5-6? Some people go a month and that’s really dangerous.
That sounds very impressive. Can this type of cleanse be combined with the intense exercise? What is the minimum duration for it to be effective? I’m not sure I have enough will power to do it, but I need it, and it sounds intriguing…
I’ve always seen 10 day minimum, but I suppose you can go shorter. As for exercise, good question. When I did it last time I didn’t exercise. If you haven’t started the vigorous exercise yet, don’t combine as you may be sabotaging the cleanse and the exercise. If you are already doing exercise, may want to increase glasses. I worked out yesterday and today so will see how it goes.
Thanks! Still not sure if I’m doing it, but again, it sounds very tempting. I can probably live without coffee (hard), but not having a glass of wine in the evening…practically impossible!
Oh dude…
Hopefully this goes better for you than my last cleanse went for me. On day 3, I found myself standing above a trash can on the corner of Madison & 26th Street in NYC fully and seriously contemplating fishing out the half-eaten slice of pizza sitting on top and shoving it into my mouth. I DID THAT FOR MINUTES. Luckily, I snapped out of it, but that was a definite low-point.
While nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, nothing tastes as bad as used NYC trash pizza.
LOL! Which cleanse?
Status I posted today in FB page was that the dog thought I was looking at him, envisioning a pork chop. I didn’t drink the stuff regularly yesterday and got a little hungry. Not too bad.
So how’s it going? I CANNOT believe that you’re not hungry. And the coffee thing – O to the MG. Those headaches are THE WORST.
Jared Leto redeems himself for making me swoon in My So Called Life. The hair, they eyes, the flannel–I loved all of it.
I’m a little hungry, but not worse than when I was eating normally. But I’m really getting bored of the lemonade. I miss texture, temperature, and variety.
And ur the second person to bring up MSCL. Never saw the show – didn’t realize it ended 19 yrs ago. But I do like a couple 30 Seconds to Mars songs. Saw them at Lollapalooza years ago and put on a terrific show.
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You crazy, you know that….can’t wait to celebrate food with you Friday.
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