The Food and Wine Hedonist

leave your inhibitions at the door

Tools for Tools

It looks like Google Glass is going to be available to the general public this year. If you don’t know what it is, you’re probably better off that way. But you’ll eventually hear about it or see one in person. And you might even be interested in getting one. So I better give you the lowdown now.

It’s a pair of glasses with a little thingy that makes it a computer on your head.

Google glass wikipedia


Images and messages are displayed on the lenses so that you can read them without looking down at a phone screen. To control it, wearers can use voice commands or the little touchpad on the arm of the glasses. The thought is that it’ll allow people to use it completely hands-free as they go through their everyday life.

There are some legitimate concerns about this technology. First, since you can take pictures or videos just by looking at something, there are privacy concerns. I don’t necessarily mind my picture being taken as the number of photobombs I’ve accomplished is probably in the low 10,000s.  But I’m sure I’ll change my tune when I see some weirdo with a Geordie La Forge-looking device on his head in the locker room staring me down.


A bigger concern is safety. It’s no secret that texting and driving can kill. Proponents say that Google Glass is safer because users don’t have to look away from the road (or bike path or whatever). But the problem isn’t just when people are looking at their phone. The problem is the content of the text that comes while you’re driving. The roads are full of complete morons who can’t drive with zero distractions – like us Asians. But even the best of multi-taskers will drive off the road if they see a text like this –

I’m pregnant, asshole.


What’s already here are smartwatches. For now, most of them are only extensions of your current smartphone that allow you to answer calls or alert you when you get a message. Eventually the technology is going to get better and there will be apps available on it. So very soon you’ll be able to check out that cute cat video.

On a 1-inch screen.

But let’s put aside the safety, privacy, and usefulness issues. The biggest problem is that wearing these devices will make you look like a complete TOOL.  Sure you have the hottest new technology, but it’s not…what’s the word? Hot. Like not sexy hot. In all the attempts to make things hands-free, wearers of Google Glass will most certainly be DATE-free.

These are no different than a fanny pack or those little clip-on-the-belt phone holders. They are convenient as all hell but you look ridiculous when wearing them. At best, you’ll like Batman.

Now, if you’re wearing the codpiece with the belt, you’re probably making a fashion statement. Can’t say it’s a particularly good one, but by all means keep rocking it. (

Now, if you’re wearing the codpiece with the belt, you’re probably making a fashion statement. Can’t say it’s a particularly good one, but by all means keep rocking it. (


Now back to Google Glass.  I can assure you, a pair of Tom Ford glasses –



…is infinitely more attractive, for less money, than this –


Yes, it’s just like the Opti-Grab.

As for watches, who really uses them to tell time anymore? Chances are when you want to know the time you check your phone, laptop, or car dashboard. Watches are accessories now and accessories should ADD to your style. I bought this thing on a Groupon for forty bucks.



Even at that low price it’s a helluva lot cooler than talking to your wrist –


Don’t believe me? Think about this famous Notorious B.I.G. lyric about Rolex watches –

Where the true players at?

Throw your Rollies in the sky

Wave em side to side and keep your hands high


This is just a hunch but, if he were alive today, he would definitely tell you that true players do NOT throw their Samsung Galaxy Gears in the sky.



Am I being a little harsh on wearable technology?  Would you wear Google Glass?



About thefoodandwinehedonist

I don't know everything about the world of food and wine, but I'm not going to let a small detail like that stop me from blogging about it.

7 comments on “Tools for Tools

  1. Cara Thereon
    April 4, 2014

    This. This cracked me up. No, I probably wouldn’t wear one, but I swore to multiple deities I don’t believe in that I’d never wear/own a snuggie either… So much shame.

  2. El Guapo
    April 4, 2014

    I might just be too old to appreciate Google Glass.
    But I do have google goggles and Layar on my android.

    I just read that a major frames manufacturer had signed a licensing deal with google for google goggles.
    Ah well…

    extra points for the Opti-Grab reference! (Stay away from those cans.)

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      April 4, 2014

      You win ! Although you’re a relative newcomer here, I had a feeling you would catch that reference. Just saw that movie a month ago for about the 300th time

  3. foxress
    April 4, 2014

    No, you are not being harsh. You are being hilarious, as usual.

  4. ksbeth
    April 4, 2014

    funny post – and no, they do not appeal to me at all.

  5. Salty Sweet Life
    April 11, 2014

    This post made me laugh so hard! I don’t know if I’d ever wear google glass, but 5 years ago I said I wouldn’t use an e-reader and now I never even look at analog books!

  6. wanderingglutton
    April 16, 2014

    There is a reason why people who wear these are called Glassholes.

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This entry was posted on April 4, 2014 by in Music, Stuff and tagged , , , , , , .
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