The Food and Wine Hedonist

leave your inhibitions at the door

Alcoholic Abominations

In mid-March I had an experience with alcohol that was so incredibly awful it bordered on laughable.  The best way I can describe it is that it was “an alcoholic abomination.”

drunk leprechaun ibeatyoucom

 

Not that kind of abomination.  And it wasn’t the green beer, either – it was worse.

I had Mangria.

Mangria lineup

At quick glance, I thought it said “Mangina,” which would be hilarious…
 

Mangina Greka-magGR

For the record, that’s not me…

 

A guy my wife works with had heard that I’m a wine aficionado and was excited to have me try that shit.  (The booze, not the tuck-back maneuver.)   The one time I met him, he repeatedly made it clear that he wasn’t a wine drinker – so often that I was certain it was a point of pride for him.    So you can imagine my opinion about the booze when he said he really liked the taste of it and thought I would dig it.

Strike one.

Mangria is a line of “wine-based cocktails” that clock in around 20% alcohol.   Normally, wines don’t get up to that percentage without being fortified with extra alcohol.   That’s good when we’re talking about a 2000 Smith Woodhouse Vintage Port.  Not so good when we’re talking about my drink of choice back in college.

 

Ah the memories.... that I really don't specifically remember.

Ah the memories…. that I really don’t specifically remember.

 

And I was sure that Mangria wasn’t on the Port side of the spectrum.

Strike two.

Perhaps most damning was that this was invented by Adam Carolla.   No, he’s not some weathered artisan named Adam Carolla who’s been making wines in an obscure villa in the heart of Tuscany for the past 38 years.

It’s this Adam Carolla –

Carolla waytofamouscom

 

The TV/Radio/Internet douchebag host.

Strike three.

In the spirit of fair-mindedness and so as not to appear like a complete ingrate, I thought I should try it.  But first, I had to figure what “it” actually was – what kind of wine or what other substances that make it a “cocktail.”   The label didn’t give any indication of contents, but did say that it’s gluten-free, which is nice.

You know what else is gluten-free? Horse piss.

So it was with rock-bottom, sub-basement, Hades-adjacent expectations that I opened them up and sampled them.

 

Mangria White Peach and Pear

mangria peach

This was a thick, syrupy sugar bomb. It had strong peach on the nose and palate (duh), but nothing else – no tannins or acids. It also had a really strong alcohol burn in the throat.

 

Mangria Original Orange

mangria orange

Ugh.. It’s cloyingly sweet with that same strong burn.   It’s like Orange Crush with some lighter fluid mixed in.

 

Mangria Brose (pronounced bro-ZAY)

mangria brose

 

It’s pink.   I guess it’s refreshing that anything pink is no longer shunned as too feminine.   But you know what isn’t refreshing?   This.   Like the others, it was thick and sugary.  It tasted like the classic college freshman concoction of cherry Kool-Aid with shitty Popov plastic jug vodka.   It’s like boy bands – fun when you’re 18 but silly when you’re 21.

One of the selling points of Mangria is that, because it’s fortified, it can sit around for an extended period of time before it goes bad.  Regular wine has to be drunk in a relatively short time period so there’s this pressure to finish off the whole bottle.   To that I say 1) that’s not always the case.  Some are good for up to a week. 2) I can think of worse problems to have than having to finish a bottle of wine.   But most of all 3) with Mangria you’re only prolonging your misery of having to drink it.

It’s clear from the names “Mangria” and “Brose” that it’s being marketed as a wine for guys. Basically the same old Carolla schtick that he had when was hosting The Man Show.  So it makes ZERO sense that it’s a sugary sweet cocktail that needs a pink flamingo stir stick in it.

My Overall Rating:  Stay away.   Far away.

 


This post originally appeared on Long Awkward Pause, an online humor mag.  Go there for good chuckles.

Here are more places to find LAP:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

LAP TV: YouTube

 

 

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About thefoodandwinehedonist

I don't know everything about the world of food and wine, but I'm not going to let a small detail like that stop me from blogging about it.

16 comments on “Alcoholic Abominations

  1. talkavino
    May 5, 2015

    Two words “wine cocktail” would be enough to stop me way before I would even think about opening any of those “wine”. Outside of few exceptions like Mimosa, Kir or Sangria, wine is wine, and a cocktail is a cocktail. But in any case, the write up is hilarious, as usual. Cheers!

    • Thanks! One ive seen around here and im assuming is elsewhere – wine slushies. That may be worse. I’ll ask The Winegetter to try it for us…

  2. Salty Sweet Life
    May 5, 2015

    Everything about this is terrifying but I could not stop laughing! Who is going to drink this besides 19 year old boys who pay a 21 year old boy to buy it for them??

  3. the winegetter
    May 5, 2015

    Wait, and you were kind enough not to share this with me??? I remember drinking a shining blue wine cocktail somewhere in Laos…am reminded of that.

  4. reversecommuter
    May 5, 2015

    I’m horrifically stuck with the mangina image…HELP!!!!!!!!

  5. ksbeth
    May 5, 2015

    everything about this sound horrifying and sends me flashing back to my bone’s farm and zima days. p.s. saw the play last friday w kris, and your daughter was great!

    • Awesome, thank you!!! Inwas at that show, too

      I flashed back to Bartles & James.. Rememver those?

      • ksbeth
        May 5, 2015

        cool. well, some day we’ll cross paths and actually meet, i’m sure. yes, i remember those too!

  6. A Famished Foodie
    May 5, 2015

    I can’t even believe you let that beverage inside of your body. Clearly, you do not think yours is a sacred temple. What kind of generic Asian are you?

  7. Max D.
    May 5, 2015

    I had my Seagrams and Bartles & James wine cooler phase. I admit it. It was short lived, mostly because in Iowa in the 80’s, we could get a case of Grain Belt beer for $5. Plus, we had the common sense of pooling our resources and buying a semester-ling supply of rum. Then there was a cocktail of our own invention called The Sleeper, the recipe for which will die with me.

    Having said all that, the Mangria is simply horrifying, and I’m lucky my kids are still too young to be drinking this crap (I hope).

    And no thanks for the visuals.

    P.S. I few years ago I learned that teenagers in Spain were getting drunk on mixing cheap red wine and Coke. It totally ruined my idealization of the Iberian peninsula as a place of high culture and cuisine. Then last year (or the year before last) the NY Times had an article on trendy cocktails and what do you know? Behold: the Kalimotxo, 50-50 Coke and red wine. Awful idea, but better than Mangria.

  8. FlavorfulWorld
    May 6, 2015

    Having also initially misread the label as “Mangina” it’s nice to know I’m in good company (though whenever I read the word “Artisanal” I now tend to first see “Art is anal,” so maybe I’m just strange.)

    As for “Mangria” however, you sir, are one courageous soul. Thanks for an entertaining read.

    With regard to the photo of the gentleman displaying his mangina, however, that…

    …that was…

    …that was just mean, man : )

  9. Go Jules Go
    May 8, 2015

    I think you have something here, because this was hysterical (“Hades adjacent” – HA!). You should do a box wine tasting next! No, wait, that’s too much of a step up.

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This entry was posted on May 5, 2015 by in Drinking and tagged , , , , , .
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