The Food and Wine Hedonist

leave your inhibitions at the door

I’m the Male Jennifer Aniston

Why are you laughing?

It’s true in so many ways.  We’re both damn good looking even though we’re on the wrong side of forty.   We’re both adored and emulated by people around the world.   We both have been on television shows – History Channel for me (which I should tell you about sometime) and some little-known NBC sitcom for her.

And we both have been equally honored by People Magazine’s Most Beautiful list.

aniston people

OK, that last one’s a little stretch.  But I’d like to point out that she’s only won it one more time than I have.

But seriously, there’s one thing that sticks out that makes me wonder whether Jen and I came from the same uterus.   Correction – make that two things that stick out.    Here’s Jen.

aniston friends

And here’s me.

aniston red

Can you pick out what it is?  No?   How about now –

aniston teal

Yup, we both suffer from EN-SOLAR (Erect Nipples Shooting Out Like Rockets).  It doesn’t matter what the temperature is, whether we’re inside or out.  Our nipples are constantly poking out at people.

aniston long sleeve

Ummm, excuse me. My face is up here.

When I work out, I’m particularly fond of thinner, softer, form-fitting t-shirts.   They are more comfortable and don’t flap around or bunch up.   But that thinness makes my affliction all the more visable.

aniston lolla

But even when I wear thicker t-shirts, they still shine through.

aniston oj

Then again, I probably shouldn’t be wearing that one in public.

I thought that wearing shirts with patterns might help obscure them or draw attention away from then.

aniston pattern


They still poke through when I’m wearing a damn sweater.

aniston sweater

At least with Jen, she can wear a padded bra. No such luck for me as the Manziere hasn’t yet hit stores.

aniston manziere sodaheadcom

It’s also not fair that – as any pubescent boy can tell you – it’s a helluva lot sexier on a chick.

aniston pinterest

See what I mean?  It’s just not fair.


This post originally appeared on Long Awkward Pause, the online humor mag that I occasionally contribute to.   Go go go on over there for some great laughs!!

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About thefoodandwinehedonist

I don't know everything about the world of food and wine, but I'm not going to let a small detail like that stop me from blogging about it.

8 comments on “I’m the Male Jennifer Aniston

  1. Next Stop: TBD
    October 20, 2015

    excellent review

  2. dwdirwin
    October 20, 2015

    Thanks for the great laugh! Would an undershirt work? I’ve always wondered why my husband wears them- hmm… food for thought.

    • thefoodandwinehedonist
      October 20, 2015

      They help with sweat stains, but only sometimes with my relentless nipples. Pasties do, but the tassels lead to even more questions…

  3. hopeforheather
    October 22, 2015

    LOL. Brilliant. 🙂 Thanks for the laugh!

  4. Jonathan Caswell
    October 23, 2015

    I sxee your point, but I still like Jennifer better!!! 🙂

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This entry was posted on October 20, 2015 by in Stuff, Television and tagged , , , , , , .
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