leave your inhibitions at the door
I have a lot of silly little quirks and minor phobias, just like everyone else. But there’s one thing that that really scares me. CLOWNS. So you can imagine my dismay that they’ve been in the news quite a bit over the past few months. It seems that, all around the country, assholes have are dressing up as creepy clowns and scaring people. Mostly along the lines of this –
I don’t know if this is considered bragging, but my feelings about clowns is next-level scared. I see that clown above and I’m seriously creeped out. But how many people do you know stay awake all night after seeing one like this?
Last year, I wrote the following post for Long Awkward Pause, an online humor mag. That site is now inactive, but my phobia sure isn’t. For a while I thought that writing the post would, through facing my fears, help overcome them. But between all the news accounts and going through all the pictures to write this one, I think it’s going to be another sleepless night.
Halloween is coming up and this time around it falls on Saturday, so there’s bound to be a ton of costume parties everywhere. Whether you’re attending one or hosting, there’s a lot of things to do to get ready for the big night. I know one of my dilemmas is whether I should stay at home and pass out candy to the trick-or-treaters or go out to a party and return to a home covered in eggs and/or toilet paper.
Then there’s the question of what costume to wear. For you ladies, do you go traditional with a sexy nurse?
Or do you go with something fresher, like a sexy minion?
Guys have it simpler – just find something that’ll hide your erection.
When it comes to food, there are a lot of things you can do to get in the Halloween spirit. With a little creativity, you can turn any food into something gross. Whether it’s as simple of deviled eggs becoming eyeballs –
Or these used Q-tips –
Or something a little more complex –
Although I kinda like this picture better.
… and the meat skull isn’t bad, either.
Those are pretty gross, but with all the slasher movies and The Walking Dead, I think we’re becoming a little numb to mere blood and guts. What if you really want to creep someone out?
I’ve got just the recipe.
The Creepiest Chocolate Chip Cookies Ever
First things first – the food’s gotta taste good. Here’s my recipe for chocolate chip cookes that, I must say, are some of the best cookies you’ll ever have.
-2 ½ cups flour
-1 tsp baking soda
-1 tsp kosher salt
-5 ounces bittersweet chocolate – chips or cut into small chunks
-5 ounces semisweet chocolate – chips or cut into small chunks
-2 sticks cold butter, diced
-1 cup packed dark brown sugar
-¾ cup sugar
-1 tsp vanilla extract
1 Preheat oven to 350.
2 Whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt
3 Mix 1 stick of butter until smooth. Add the sugars, other stick of butter, and vanilla and beat until a light paste.
4 Add eggs one at a time
5 Add dry ingredients
6 Mix in chocolates by hand
7 Shape dough into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper or a silicone mat if you have one
8 Bake for 12-14 minutes until golden brown
9 Remove from oven and let cool for a couple minutes and then remove from sheet onto racks to cool.
Beautiful, eh? But I’m sure you’re thinking that they aren’t very creepy at all.
They are if you serve them on a plate…
While wearing a sketchy clown outfit…
In front of a cargo van in a Burger King parking lot.