The Avocado Menace

So it seems the simple avocado is right up there with malaria and Pablo Escobar as a major threat to humankind.

Recently Tim Gurner, an Australian real estate mogul, said that millennials can’t buy homes because they’re “spending $40 a day on smashed avocados and coffees and not working.”   Although he was talking about young Australians, it’s a common theme here in America as well.   Not a day goes by where I don’t hear or read something to the effect of “entitled, lazy, youngsters with their participation trophies and foolish priorities don’t know what it means to work hard blah blah blah…”   Basically, stop wasting your money on  avocado toast if you want to get anywhere.

And when avocados aren’t robbing you blind, they’re causing actual physical harm to your body.   No, not because of fat content or some  kind of toxin that’s not good for you.   It seems that the popularity of avocado toast is leading to a surge in cases of “avocado hand.”   Some doctors are pushing for warning labels on them as people often don’t  realize that the pit can sometimes be softer than expected and they end up slicing their hand.

Let that sink in – people are cutting themselves because avocado pits have the audacity to be too soft and the knife, which doesn’t have the guts to stand up for itself, does all the avocado’s dirty work and tears apart your hand.

I shit you not.

I don’t even know where to start because there’s so much to unpack with both of these stories.  While I’m sure you don’t need me to enlighten you on the absurdities, I’m also sure you didn’t come here for any type of enlightenment whatsoever.   So let me address these in clearest, most respectful way I can.

Fuck you.

No, not you….  First, screw this guy who makes a few bucks, gets a douchebag haircut, and decides that he can be the authority on how people should live.    By doing what he says and not spending money on avocado toast and coffees, I’m guessing that millennials can pay off that $50K in college loans by the time they’re embalmed.    Then they can get a soul-crushing mortgage on a house that’s 1000x more expensive than the ones they grew up in thanks to real estate moguls guys like Tim Gurner.

Let them splurge on avocados and lattes.  Heck, let them enjoy them together in the latest hipster trend – the avolatte.

 

Yep, a latte in an avocado shell.

As for “avocado hand”, exactly what kind of steroid and coke binge are you on, bro?  The chef knife I snatched from the grips of Gwyneth Paltrow is razor sharp, but the only way it’s going through an avocado pit to my hand is if I’m doing the ol’ Hassan Chop on it.

Leave your fantasy of being an medieval executioner out of your mom’s kitchen and keep it where it belongs – in a forest with all your other Dungeons and Dragons friends.

I’m a little concerned about this warning label thing, because I’m sure some asshat will come up with the great idea of requiring a special avocado handler’s license.  Or worse yet, in our litigious society, someone successfully sues avocado growers and puts them out of business.

Guess I gotta make more of these while I can…

 

How do you like your avocados?